I am about to get married next year to my long-time girlfriend. We've been in a relationship for almost three years last Valentines day I finally proposed to her. Right now we are very busy with the wedding preparations. Unfortunately, we are having some disagreements on where we will stay after our wedding. She is insisting that we rent a separate house near our work in Makati. Our second option is to stay in my house in Mandaluyong which is also near Makati. However, my fiancee does not want to stay in my house because according to her, she might not get along with my mother. My mother just turned 70 years old. She is a single mom and she raised me and my younger sister by herself. My father left my mom when she was still pregnant with my younger sister. If I remember it right, I was four years old that time. My sister will also get married next year and she is planning to live with her future husband in New Zealand. If that will happen, my mother will be left all by herself. Of course I will not let that happen, that's why I want me and my wife to stay in our house in Mandaluyong so I can also look after my mom once my sister decide to settle in New Zealand. My dilemma is my future wife, I love her and I want to give her what she wants - which is to live separately with my mom. I also love my mom and I also want to take care of her. Please help me.
Here is our response.
Congratulations on your soon to be wedding and we wish you and your future wife the best of life together!
Marriage is sacred. When you get married, you and your wife will become one... both in the eyes of God and in the eyes of man. Unfortunately, marriage involves union of two personalities - you and your future wife. How to reconcile these two personalities are challenges that most couples will face once they enter the aisle of marriage. Irreconcilable personalities usually lead to divorce or separation. For a marriage to work (or any relationship as well), both parties should be wiling to compromise their differences in some point of their married life. One party should never "over" dominate the other for each party deserves a voice in all aspects of your relationship. There are certain perks that you freely enjoy during your single-hood years that you can no longer enjoy once you get married, one of those perks is making decisions by yourself without the consent of your partner. In your current issue with regards as to where you will settle down after your wedding, your future wife is correct that she might find it difficult to get along with your mom. Based on studies, most wives have problems getting along with their mother-in-laws as compared to husbands who are more adaptable with their in-laws. However, considering that your mom is already 70 years old, it is ungrateful of you if you will not take care of her. She took care of you and your sibling during the time when both your wings are still weak to fly. Now that you are strong and will enter a new chapter of your life, it doesn't mean that you will close your door to the person who nurtured you, who fed you, and to the one who took care of you when your feet are still weak to face the challenges of life. Your mother will always be your mother, her love towards her children is forever. Our obligation to our parents should not stop when we enter the phase of marriage. Having a family of our own should not be an excuse for not providing support to our parents. Now that they are aging, their minds and their bodies are slowly becoming weak. As children, this is the right time to give back the love that our parents gave us for their days in this world are already numbered. I believe that you and your wife have a soft spot in your heart to welcome your mom in your new chapter of your life. Let her be part of your new family. She deserves your care and your time. Someday, you will also get old like your mom. It will probably hurt you if your children will just abandon you when they start their own families right? Lets not just honor our parents. Let's love them! As the saying goes ... "Love your parents, we are so busy growing up, we often forget that they are also getting old."
Dear Onelife Networx,
My wife and I separated last year, she left me for another man. We have two children, 10 and 15 years of age. I took both my children and we are now living with my parents. My children are aware of the situation especially the older one. However, my 10 year old child still keeps on asking for his mother. I always tell him that she is working abroad and I am not sure when she will come back. I know that I cannot forever hide our true situation from him, but the problem is my son is suffering from a mental disorder and if he becomes upset, he goes wild and he sometimes hurt himself.
My 10 year old son really loves her mother. Every time he has a mental attack/seizure, the only person who can calm him down is his mother. Honestly, I am very worried about my son, I don't know what kind of life is in store for him. I am scared for his future. I know one of the reason why my wife left us is because of him. She once told me that she is already tired of taking care of our special child and she is scared of the responsibilities that she has to face. Now I am all by myself to carry those duties. Aside from being a provider, I still have to take care of my children's special needs and I am not sure if I'm as capable as my wife.
I don't know how long I can hold on to this. I am still hurting from my marriage separation. I am also angry with my wife for leaving us. I am also very worried for my children and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to start. Before I go to sleep, I can't help but cry. I have to be strong for myself and for my children but my heart is crying and feel helpless inside. Please help me.
Your first concern should be your 10 year old son, he needs special care and lots of attention. Since you have a full-time job, we think it would be difficult for you to handle his special needs and to focus on your job at the same time. We suggest you seek assistance of your parents (if they are still young to handle it) or you might want to seek professional services if you can afford it. We are not saying that you are not capable of taking care of your child, we just want to unload you so that you will have more energy to perform your job (which we believe is your only bread and butter as of now) and more energy to handle the day to day requirements of your family.
Once you have secured your child's special requirement, you can now start healing your pain. Find someone, a friend or a close relative whom you can share your problems. Find a person who is willing to lend their ears or someone whom you can cry to. You need to unload the burden that you are carrying inside you. If you do not have such friend, your parents is your best option. Do not be scared to show them that you are in pain. Your parents will always be there for you.
And finally, do not forget to seek help from our Creator, whatever you are facing now, it's all part of His grand master plan. Maybe this challenges that you are facing now will teach you important lessons in life that you will find very useful in the future. Continue to be strong.