I have a neighbor who is also my kumpadre, one of his children is my inaanak. He is a stay-at-home dad and his wife is currently working as a top executive of a prestigious manufacturing company. His wife is the bread winner and my kumpadre is in-charge of taking care of their children. I am very close to their family in-fact, me and his family has this monthly tradition of spending lunch together every last Sunday of the month. My wife is also very close to his wife and they even call each other as kumare even if they are not. My problem is, my kumpadre is having an affair with one of our neighbor - who is also married. It was one Tuesday afternoon, I was leave from work, when I decided to drop by my kumpadre's house. When I was about enter their gate, I saw my kumpadre and our neighbor passionately kissing in a hidden portion of their garage. I did not bother them and I left secretly and hoping they did not noticed me.
My kumpadre and I shared lots of personal secrets though I am not expecting that he will tell me everything including his current sexual affair with this neighbor of ours. I am just surprised that my kumpadre will go into that kind of activity for I have known him as a faithful husband and a loving father. I consider him as my best-friend and I don't want him to be involved in such affair for it will result to an eventual destruction of his relationship with his wife and his children. I don't know if I will talk to him about this or I will just pretend that I don't know anything. Please give me an advice.
This is our reply.
For me, a true friend is not afraid to criticize you or point out your flaws. If you are a true friend to your kumpadre, you should be honest enough to tell him what you saw that Tuesday afternoon. If your kumpadre will admit to you that he is indeed having an affair with your neighbor, do not be afraid to tell him your fear of loosing his marriage and trust of his children if he will continue with his elicit affair. A friend has a responsibility to look after the welfare his friend, if you think your kumpadre's affair with your neighbor will put him in a bad state, you should be sincere enough to help him out of that relationship. If your kumpadre will not follow your advice despite your effort to convince him to move out of that immoral relationship, you are free of guilt if situation goes bad... because as far as you know, you did your part as his friend.
I also believe that your role should be limited to your kumpadre only. I don't advise you to go straight to his wife to divulge what you know. Let your kumpadre face the music and let destiny decide whether he will be forgiven or will be disowned by his wife. Whatever will be his fate with his family, you should continue to be his friend and never abandon him if ever his wife decides to leave him because of his infidelity.
A true friend accepts who you are, but also helps you become who you should be.
I am about to get married next year to my long-time girlfriend. We've been in a relationship for almost three years last Valentines day I finally proposed to her. Right now we are very busy with the wedding preparations. Unfortunately, we are having some disagreements on where we will stay after our wedding. She is insisting that we rent a separate house near our work in Makati. Our second option is to stay in my house in Mandaluyong which is also near Makati. However, my fiancee does not want to stay in my house because according to her, she might not get along with my mother. My mother just turned 70 years old. She is a single mom and she raised me and my younger sister by herself. My father left my mom when she was still pregnant with my younger sister. If I remember it right, I was four years old that time. My sister will also get married next year and she is planning to live with her future husband in New Zealand. If that will happen, my mother will be left all by herself. Of course I will not let that happen, that's why I want me and my wife to stay in our house in Mandaluyong so I can also look after my mom once my sister decide to settle in New Zealand. My dilemma is my future wife, I love her and I want to give her what she wants - which is to live separately with my mom. I also love my mom and I also want to take care of her. Please help me.
Here is our response.
Congratulations on your soon to be wedding and we wish you and your future wife the best of life together!
Marriage is sacred. When you get married, you and your wife will become one... both in the eyes of God and in the eyes of man. Unfortunately, marriage involves union of two personalities - you and your future wife. How to reconcile these two personalities are challenges that most couples will face once they enter the aisle of marriage. Irreconcilable personalities usually lead to divorce or separation. For a marriage to work (or any relationship as well), both parties should be wiling to compromise their differences in some point of their married life. One party should never "over" dominate the other for each party deserves a voice in all aspects of your relationship. There are certain perks that you freely enjoy during your single-hood years that you can no longer enjoy once you get married, one of those perks is making decisions by yourself without the consent of your partner. In your current issue with regards as to where you will settle down after your wedding, your future wife is correct that she might find it difficult to get along with your mom. Based on studies, most wives have problems getting along with their mother-in-laws as compared to husbands who are more adaptable with their in-laws. However, considering that your mom is already 70 years old, it is ungrateful of you if you will not take care of her. She took care of you and your sibling during the time when both your wings are still weak to fly. Now that you are strong and will enter a new chapter of your life, it doesn't mean that you will close your door to the person who nurtured you, who fed you, and to the one who took care of you when your feet are still weak to face the challenges of life. Your mother will always be your mother, her love towards her children is forever. Our obligation to our parents should not stop when we enter the phase of marriage. Having a family of our own should not be an excuse for not providing support to our parents. Now that they are aging, their minds and their bodies are slowly becoming weak. As children, this is the right time to give back the love that our parents gave us for their days in this world are already numbered. I believe that you and your wife have a soft spot in your heart to welcome your mom in your new chapter of your life. Let her be part of your new family. She deserves your care and your time. Someday, you will also get old like your mom. It will probably hurt you if your children will just abandon you when they start their own families right? Lets not just honor our parents. Let's love them! As the saying goes ... "Love your parents, we are so busy growing up, we often forget that they are also getting old."
I am a 35 year old mother with two children aged 3 and 6 years old. I am currently working here at Toronto, Canada for almost five years as a part-time caregiver and as a part-time kitchen staff in a small restaurant near my apartment. I left the Philippines because I thought life here in Canada is better as compared to the Philippines. I left my managerial position in one of the largest bank in the Philippines and I also left my two children to my husband. Before I got married, I graduated as Cum Laude in one of the exclusive university in Manila. My boyfriend, now my husband was a restaurant owner of one of the coffee shop near our school. After I graduated from college, I easily got a job and my career was very successful. I got married to my boyfriend, then we had two wonderful daughters and our life was wonderful. Not until my husband's coffee shop went bankrupt. He lost his business and he was having difficulty establishing new ventures and it always fail. Our savings were wiped out because of his unsuccessful attempts to establish new business. He got depressed and he was very insecure with me because that time I was the one providing for the family. We always fight about our finances. He once accepted a full-time job as a sales manager but he quit after a few months because he is not used to working as an employee, he always insists that he wants to be an business owner. My salary can no longer support my family so I started looking for options. This is the reason why I end up here in Canada. I sacrificed my respectable position in the Philippines so I can work here in Canada as a caregiver during the day and I wash dishes in the evening. I feel so degraded, this is not the life I dreamed of. I have lost my pride, my dignity, and my confidence. I hate myself and my life for being in this situation. I don't know what to do with my life anymore.
Here is our response.
Don't hate yourself or your life. All these challenges that you are currently experiencing are just temporary. These challenges are meant to make you stronger and wiser person so don't give up on yourself. Looking at your story, you have indeed accomplished so much! You finished college as an honor student, you had a great career, you are a wonderful mother and an understanding wife. And your greatest accomplishment was when you sacrificed all these blessings and chose a less prestigious job and a lonely life in Canada. You should consider that as an accomplishment because not many people can handle that. Don't look at your situation as a "demotion" of your social status. Instead, be proud that you are a selfless person in this selfish world. Always put in your head that every time you are doing all these care-giving and dishwashing, you are getting closer to making the lives of your family in the Philippines better.
You are hurting because your situation took toll on your pride. This is the reason why you feel lowly of current job and this is the reason why you have lost confidence on yourself. Maybe at the back of your mind you are saying that a magna cum laude should be a high ranking officer of a big company and not a dishwasher by night. We totally understand that, that is human nature.
Always remember this: Jesus, the son of God went in this world not to assert His Name as Son of God. Instead, He served the needy and He cured the sick. He was selfless that's why He gave His own life so that sinners like us can be saved. If the Son of God who is higher than all of us managed to set aside His pride so He can save us, who are we to complain if our pride will be tested in some part of our lives?
Be grateful with what you have. Don't hate your life, live it and love it!
Dear Onelife Networx,
My wife and I separated last year, she left me for another man. We have two children, 10 and 15 years of age. I took both my children and we are now living with my parents. My children are aware of the situation especially the older one. However, my 10 year old child still keeps on asking for his mother. I always tell him that she is working abroad and I am not sure when she will come back. I know that I cannot forever hide our true situation from him, but the problem is my son is suffering from a mental disorder and if he becomes upset, he goes wild and he sometimes hurt himself.
My 10 year old son really loves her mother. Every time he has a mental attack/seizure, the only person who can calm him down is his mother. Honestly, I am very worried about my son, I don't know what kind of life is in store for him. I am scared for his future. I know one of the reason why my wife left us is because of him. She once told me that she is already tired of taking care of our special child and she is scared of the responsibilities that she has to face. Now I am all by myself to carry those duties. Aside from being a provider, I still have to take care of my children's special needs and I am not sure if I'm as capable as my wife.
I don't know how long I can hold on to this. I am still hurting from my marriage separation. I am also angry with my wife for leaving us. I am also very worried for my children and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to start. Before I go to sleep, I can't help but cry. I have to be strong for myself and for my children but my heart is crying and feel helpless inside. Please help me.
Your first concern should be your 10 year old son, he needs special care and lots of attention. Since you have a full-time job, we think it would be difficult for you to handle his special needs and to focus on your job at the same time. We suggest you seek assistance of your parents (if they are still young to handle it) or you might want to seek professional services if you can afford it. We are not saying that you are not capable of taking care of your child, we just want to unload you so that you will have more energy to perform your job (which we believe is your only bread and butter as of now) and more energy to handle the day to day requirements of your family.
Once you have secured your child's special requirement, you can now start healing your pain. Find someone, a friend or a close relative whom you can share your problems. Find a person who is willing to lend their ears or someone whom you can cry to. You need to unload the burden that you are carrying inside you. If you do not have such friend, your parents is your best option. Do not be scared to show them that you are in pain. Your parents will always be there for you.
And finally, do not forget to seek help from our Creator, whatever you are facing now, it's all part of His grand master plan. Maybe this challenges that you are facing now will teach you important lessons in life that you will find very useful in the future. Continue to be strong.
Dear Onelife Networx,
I am a business owner of a fast-food restaurant in Manila. I have seven employees. We've been operating the restaurant for almost ten years already. However, profit is not so promising. In fact, most of the income I generate from the restaurant is not enough to support my family. This is also the reason why I am still keeping my regular job. I am also working as a branch manager of a medium sized bank. I am not really involved in the operations of my restaurant. But as an owner, I am not immune to the day to day problems of the business. And honestly, It sometimes affect my performance in my day job. Though I only visit the restaurant after my work since I leave the management of my restaurant to our Executive Chef. But sometimes, I still need to check on the restaurant during my office hours.
My wife once told me to sell the restaurant while it's still in the black. Though profit is already becoming thin and we have to drop our mark-up because of competition. Lately, I realize that my business is no longer serving its purpose. I realized that I can survive financially without it as long as I keep my employment in the bank. However, I feel guilty because all of my employees are happy working in this restaurant. In fact, all of the current seven employees of the restaurant are the original employees when we started the business. Hoping for your advice.
What is your life's purpose? To help others or to become rich? If your goal is just to earn money and become rich, I suggest you sell your restaurant. Besides, what's the point of having a business if this will not give you reasonable profit at the end of the day. A business, as defined by society, must generate profit for it to be considered successful. Let me ask you Mr. Jonathan, is this also your way measuring the success of your business? If yes, dispose your business as soon as possible. But if you are not a profit-centered person and if you believe that your business is an instrument in helping others thru the employment opportunities your restaurant is offering society, then keeping your restaurant is the best option. However, if you plan to keep the business, try to involve your employees in keeping this restaurant financially healthy. They are part of the business, your employees should not just be loyal, but they must also be productive and must contribute something to the success of the restaurant. Remember, you hired your employees to help you in your business. If your employees are not helping you, maybe its time to let them go. Helping your employees should be one of your priority as a business owner. However, some employees are abusive, lazy, and have no concern in the survival and success of your business. Most of these employees are just after their pay check and benefits they can reap from the company. If your employees have these symptoms, these employees do not deserve your generosity.
I have a best friend who is happily married for eight years and already has two wonderful children. He is younger than me by three years that's why he considers me as his older brother. Whenever he has problems, I am his go to person. I know everything about him and he knows everything about me except ... my sexuality. He has no idea that I am bi-sexual. He has no idea that I have a deep affection towards him. The lowest point of my life was nine years ago when he told me that he will marry her college girlfriend. His wedding day was his happiest day of his life, but for me that was the most painful day of my life... standing beside the love of my life as his bestman, I cannot forget the hurt while he was professing his everlasting love to his wife to be.
As his bestfriend and bestman, I have to support him and his wife. I have to sacrifice my feelings, I need to be selfless, and to feel happy for the happiness of someone I love...even if I am dying inside. I never showed him my pain nor dare open the truth. Because I know it will be the end of our friendship if he finds out.
This year is their ninth year wedding anniversary, nine years have already passed but the hurt is still there. I am aware that we will only be bestfriend and we can never be more than that... but my heart is singing a different tune. I cannot stop my heart from loving my bestfriend. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help me Onelife Networx.
Falling in love is the greatest feeling in the world and that is probably the reason why you are holding on to that feeling towards your best friend... because you are truly in love with him. Love is a two way process for it to be successful. If your love is not being reciprocated, one side of the relationship will end up satisfied while the other half will end up feeling empty and desperate. This is probably the reason why you are hurting, because the love and sacrifice that you are giving your bestfriend is not being reciprocated. Probably the love that your bestfriend is giving you is just a love a friend gives a friend and not a love that lovers long for. I truly believe that your feelings towards your bestfriend is true and I also believe that your heart is overflowing with love towards him. However, time will come when your heart will get tired and your heart will only remember the accumulated pain that you have been nurturing for many years. Time will come when your love will become hate and sometimes anger. Do not wait for that time to come.
There is no right word to describe love. But all I know is that love should not hurt. A person who is in-love should be happy and not the other way around. My advice to you Mr. Samuel is to love yourself first. Because if you love yourself, you will not let that pain stay inside you. You deserve a happy life and you should stop living a sorrowful life. Your sexuality should never be an issue to someone who considers you as bestfriend. A friend should accept you the way you are and you need not pretend to be someone else. Maybe its time for your bestfriend to know the truth. Nine years (or more) is long enough and your pain needs to rest once and for all. This way you can live a life you deserve.
Dear OneLife Networx,
Next year,me and my long-time boyfriend will finally get married and settle down. Honestly, I am still virgin and I am already 35 years old. My boyfriend knows about it and I am proud of it. My boyfriend who is also 35 is no longer innocent when it comes to sex. Before he became my boyfriend 5 years ago, he had a live-in partner for almost 3 years.
Since he became my boyfriend, he made some attempts to "do it" with me, but he is very understanding every time I said no. Though there are times when I want to surrender my virginity to him but I always remind myself about my personal vow that I will only give "it" to my husband on the night after our wedding.
My married girl friends always warn me that sex is a very important aspect of married life. Having to little or too much of it can break or make your marriage.
I am bit scared because I am not a sexual person, I am worried I might not be able to satisfy the sexual needs of my future husband. With all the opinions I am receiving from my friends I am now willing to surrender my virginity to my boyfriend if ever he will ask me again. What do you think? Please help. I need your advice.
Sex is the ultimate expression of love. Sex is actually a very sacred act. But in our modern times, sex is now some sort of an obligation or a routine that should be performed by couples. Yes it is true that sex is part of any mature relationship, but sex should not be the center of it.
As long as you have deep love for your boyfriend as he is to you, I don't think your being conservative will not be a future issue. Your feelings towards each other is enough to lead you to your sexual activities. Just go with the flow of your feelings. But If your personal conviction of "no premarital sex" is important to you, then your boyfriend should support you on this. His respect towards your conviction is a living proof that he truly loves you. If you are scared that he might look for other girls as outlet to plug-in his sexual urges, then he do not deserve your virginity.
Also, stop listening to the warnings of your married girlfriends. Sexual activities of married couple (even unmarried ones) differ from each other. What's true to them may not be necessarily true for you. You and your future husband should create your own sexcapades that is suited to both of you. Forget about the sexual standards dictated by society. Your marriage is about you and your future husband and your girlfriends opinions are merely opinions, you should not take them seriously.
Dear Onelife Networx,
I am 28 year old real estate agent and I currently have a girlfriend for almost three years. We enjoy each other but we never discussed any long-terms plans like marriage. I do love her and I am comfortable with the idea of spending my life with her. But I am scared because I might still find other girls out there who is more beautiful, more intelligent, and more lovable than my current girlfriend. My girlfriend is just an average girl and sometimes I cannot stop myself from secretly seeing other girls just to explore other options. Honestly, I feel guilty doing it, but I am also scared I might be depriving myself of other possibilities or I may say opportunities for a better relationship. I am confused, I need your advice.
Dear Confused Boyfriend,
Those girls that you are secretly seeing right now, you may find them better than your current girlfriend as of this moment... but sooner or later you will also find imperfections in them. Nobody is perfect, not even you. Instead of blaming your girlfriend for being "average" maybe you should consider adjusting your "standards" towards your partner or your perspective towards a relationship. We are not suggesting you lower your standards, maybe your current standards are unreasonably high or too perfect.
I also find it very unfair that you are still hunting for other girls while maintaining your current relationship. You mean you will just walk away from your girlfriend for three years once you found someone better than her? I find it so rude and so ungentleman of you.
Relationships are built on trust and from trust it grows to love. If you have doubts in your relationship,it means there is no love. Do not hold on to a relationship that you do not trust.
Dear OneLife Networx,
I am a single mother. My son who is turning 5 years old this December is already going to school. My job as a call center agent is not enough to give me and my son a comfortable life. I have no regrets having a son, I love him so dearly, he is actually my inspiration, he is my source of joy.
But sometimes I cannot help myself from longing for someone who will take care of me and share all my pains and burden. How I wish I have someone besides me who will hug me when I am lonely or someone whom I can share my pain. How I long for someone, a partner, a husband... I am not expecting you to help me find a husband (LOL), I just want to share my thoughts, maybe you can give me an advice. Thanks!
Dear Single Mom,
Thank you for your email. We share your pain and we know how difficult it is to raise a child all by yourself. Being a single parent means wearing two hats, hat of a mother and hat of a father. This is the reason why most single parents end up tired and lonely because the are left with no one to take care of them. Maybe this is what you are feeling right now - you are already tired.
Having a partner or a husband might not be the solution to your problem. If you think of it, having a husband may entail additional work for you because as a wife you also have certain responsibilities towards your husband. Being in a relationships is a big responsibility. Since you are already tired, taking another role may not be a good idea right now.
We suggest that you try to assess your current situation first. If you feel your current job is not providing you well, maybe you could look at other employment opportunities elsewhere. Sometimes, money problems affects our outlook towards life. Your current outlook seems gloomy maybe because your financial health is not so stable. Work on that first.
If you are looking for someone to hug you during your challenging moments or if you are yearning for someone whom you can share your pains, a close friend maybe your immediate option right now.
As a final note, there are millions of single parents out there who are very happy and contended with their current situation. Be one of them.
Life can be very harsh to some of us and sometimes we have to face life's challenges alone. Lucky are those who have someone by their side whom they can lean on during these desperate moments and to be with someone whose mere presence is enough to lighten their pain.
But not all of us are blessed with partners, siblings, parents, or friends who are always there during our troubled moments. Most of the time, we are tasked to solve our problems alone. How we wish we have someone to turn to, someone who will lend their ears so we can share our sorrows and pains.
Wipe your tears for now, we at OneLifeNetworx will try to help you carry your load. We will try to lighten your day. We are your online companion. You need not face your life alone, you have us by your side.